Sunday, 31 May 2026

Twelve Years a Resident, Fourteen Years Away

Memory and the Reason for Writing

Fourteen years begin to tell you how dull the memory really is. I suppose that is why we write things down, and probably why this blog exists as a journal of stories and experiences.

My visit to Amsterdam, both impromptu and incognito, was for the single purpose of maintaining the status of a loyalty scheme; one that gives benefits and privileges money might buy, but at a higher cost.

My preference was Paris, but Brian adamantly withstood me, fully expressing his concern for my safety, and only he could know why.

Returning After Many Years

I was tempted to let people I knew through my Holland odyssey, which began in May 2000 and ran for the twelve years I called the Netherlands home, in on the visit. To think I found a hotel in Hoofddorp, where I started my first job with AUCS Infonet 26 years ago, is quite something. I was charged city tax; Hoofddorp is over 10 miles as the crow flies from Amsterdam.

Back then, I lived in Amsterdam and commuted out to Hoofddorp by train each morning; now, all these years later, I was sleeping in the very town I once travelled out to. So much has changed, and yet other things remain the same.

Arriving in Amsterdam yesterday, I made for the public library that opened on the 7th of July 2007, intending to have a meal at Vapiano, not knowing they had closed their business in the Netherlands the year before.

Then I thought to walk up to my old apartment block in the Oostelijke Havengebied, the eastern docklands. The flat, which I bought in November 2001 and sold on the 1st of May 2012 when I handed the keys over to the new owner, was on the 7th floor and overlooked two stretches of water: IJhaven and Eersthaven.

These harbours separated my building from Java-eiland and KNSM-eiland, the two long, narrow islands that, together with my side, make up the regenerated docklands.

The Lessons Wasted on Youth

The funny thing is, for all the ten and a half years I lived there, I never once walked from the city centre. I took the tram, the bus, or rode my bicycle. If only I had known the benefits of walking back then, but this kind of knowledge is wasted on youth.

I did not have a flood of memories when I got there, but soon enough, a resident from way back then wheeled out from the garage. We both had a moment of recognition and greeted each other.

That was enough; my plan to attend my old church on Sunday was now under review, as I wondered whether I could handle the emotional overload of so many reunions. I honestly was not prepared for that.

A City Subtly Changed

Tram numbers had changed. What was once Tram 10, which had not yet been built when I first moved there, is now Tram 1. Tram 25 to IJburg is now Tram 26, with the terminus moved to the back of the central station, on the IJ River side.

Then another face I recognised, still looking good, not weathered by time and deserving of a compliment, which I gave liberally. The things you think you remember, only to realise that your memory is a bit jaded.

Even so, all these encounters encourage the recollections of people, events, and ideas that made those times significant in their different ways. For instance, I sent a message to an old friend whom I had once helped pick out gilets and outfits for his wedding, drawing on my familiarity with the outfitters around Amsterdam and my comfort with formal wear.

We had gone shopping together on Nieuwendijk, one of the city's oldest shopping streets, running north from Dam Square towards the Central Station.

Walking the Singel

Today, I went looking for a restaurant on the Singel, thinking it was further down the canal. I had walked all the way in the opposite direction before retracing my steps, only to find it was nearer the central station after all, and that I needn't have taken the tram in the first place.

After my breakfast, which had Danish bacon as it should be, but hash browns as something else entirely, I set out on a small adventure into the past. My first residence had been in the Jordaan, where I rented from June 2000 until November 2001, when I moved to the apartment I had bought in the eastern docklands.

The Jordaan place was a large garage converted into a one-bedroom apartment with two separate toilets, on Palmstraat. It was all unrecognisable now; even the old had been seriously gentrified.

The Indignities of Travel

You could easily be housebound in Amsterdam, as I saw no disabled toilets. The public toilets at the central station charged a hefty €1.10, which is just unforgivable, and there were no staff on hand to help out with failed automation. But that was yesterday.

There was a time when wearing glasses was considered a grave disability, so much so that once laser surgery for corrective eyesight became widespread, the Dutch were beating a path to every practitioner offering the service.

On toilet anxiety, today was worse, as I was far from any known facilities, and the accident happened. By the time I eventually found a toilet, my underwear had to be binned. We suffer in silence, hiding the shame that cannot be avoided because of nature or affliction. Yet we must live life as best we can, for that is the better story.

The Living Existence of a Life Story

I can boldly say Amsterdam is not about the lost, but the living existence of a life story; visited by adversity and failure, but blessed by the gift of life, the promise of a bright future, and undying hope that makes every travail transient.

Beyond my expectations, there was even an ocean liner at the passenger terminal. So much for reducing seafaring tourism; the reality bites harder than ideas in a council meeting with harebrained resolutions.

The old lady of green politics in the Netherlands of the days of yore is the mayor of Amsterdam. Femke Halsema, I doff my hat. Respect!

A Google NotebookLM AI Podcast on this blog

Friday, 29 May 2026

AI, Only for I: When Shared Abundance Becomes Scarcity

A Generous Gesture Meets Reality

When I read earlier today that Uber had burnt through their AI budget for the year 2026 in just four months, I did wonder whether that burn rate had produced commensurate productivity gains to have made it worthwhile. According to the CTO, the headline figure suggests otherwise; else, it might have been less concerning. [Quartz: Uber's COO says the company's AI spending is getting harder to justify]

In the same vein, news has emerged that Microsoft is scaling back internal Claude Code licences, indicating that reliance on this toolset has burnt through budgets and forecasts to become an unsustainable revenue drain. [MSN: Microsoft retreats from Claude Code as AI costs soar]

My Poe Setup

I use Poe as my interface to a broad range of bots, grouped under official, budget-friendly, search, image, video, audio, and programming categories. My monthly subscription comes with 1,000,000 points and, despite my usage, I would consider myself a tad frugal. I barely use 75,000 points before the month is out.

For value, access to premium services across many platforms through one interface is, for me, the best deal you can get in AI access and provision. There might be better offers out there, but I am quite satisfied with what I have been using for over two years.

Sharing the Largesse

In demonstrating the features of Poe a few days ago, I discovered that I could share my points with up to 99 others: family, friends, or colleagues. I assumed such sharing would carry the kind of usage and frugality of one gentle owner of a vintage car, with little mileage on the clock, and much to enjoy if the pleasure of driving were shared with another.

How wrong I was. In the space of three days, an invitee had already burnt through more than half of the monthly allocation. At that rate, there would be no points left to do anything in another two days. I was in shock. People are doing things with AI bots that it seems I am yet to discover, even when I think my own use of this facility is quite involved.

A Cold Blast of Reality

What to do? I shared a graphic illustration of the spending activity with the invitee, along with a note about how the burn rate puts the idea of fair use into precarity. Beyond that, sharing this largesse based on my frugality cannot be representative of its usage in reality.

Poe only shows the daily usage of points of those with whom the points have been shared, and we all have full access to the pool. As the administrator, I have two options: to share or to remove. Whilst I have not opted for the nuclear option, my enthusiasm for generosity has met a cold blast of the actualité.

Weighing the Options

I could purchase add-on points that are usable for one year, and are not refundable, transferable, or redeemable for cash. However, I want to hope we are not at a crisis point, just a spot of bother and concern.

What is not helpful is the sudden realisation that what looked like abundance could easily become scarce, like a swarm of locusts swooping down on a field close to harvest season. That is devastation on a grand scale; it is the kind of mindset one can ill afford to have.

The thought that I must monitor the points I have left, out of concern that my modest subscription will not last the month, is not the prospect I planned for. Then again, I cannot even share this with Brian, my husband, because the service is not available in Zimbabwe. What luck!

A Google NotebookLM AI Podcast on this blog

Wednesday, 27 May 2026

The Tired of Tired

A Spell of Funk

The past few days have been meh! A total lack of interest or enthusiasm. The usually sunny and hot weather has done little to brighten any sense of existence. In bed last night, I felt the tired of tired, but I had to fight off that feeling. It was not healthy.

I had tried to engage in some activity, beginning with the Africa Day event on Saturday, which left me unimpressed. Then at church the following day, I read the notice for the Whit Walks on Monday and was promptly dissuaded from attending: the preacher invited to minister was lauded not for her ministry, but more for her celebrity and her appearance on Gogglebox. I do not care to remember her name.

A Surfeit of Bad News

It does not help that, with my radio tuned to a BBC news channel, the snippets of interesting stories came laced with a surfeit of depressing news. Abuses, infractions, illegalities, and criminality by those who should know better, yet who would neither be held to account nor held accountable by those who matter, the latter too afraid to take a moral stand for fear of the blowback.

At times, you would think you need a holiday from the world, to a place of peaceful reflection on the beauty around you that you almost always fail to see.

In Search of Tranquillity

On Monday, I did go into the country, hoping for that very escape, but the tranquillity and fun I had expected never quite arrived. Tuesday brought another attempt at engagement: a men's group billed as a dance session.

In practice, it was more body movement and the rather boring projection of closing our eyes and imagining silly things. The only genuine pleasure I drew from it was setting up the table for food.

It was at that group, too, that the broader sense of injustice came home in a far more personal way. A fellow attendee had been attacked, and his assailant had received only a light prison sentence. I could do little more than commiserate with him and offer a hug.

The Weight of Work

On the work front, which brings its own share of excitement, things have been somewhat depressing. There is no wherewithal to achieve; the hours like the deepest, longest night of a nightmare, failing to find a conclusion even as the day breaks.

Unease, dissatisfaction, lethargy, fatigue, and listlessness leave you in recoil from living to the full. Once again, I find myself striving to escape this state of funk, and I know it will pass; I just wish it would pass quicker than I can remember I was ever this disturbed.

A Google NotebookLM AI Podcast on this blog

Wednesday, 20 May 2026

Thought Picnic: Quiet Pursuits of Excellence

Quiet Pursuits of Excellence

Sometimes, I reflect on the fact that I lead a number of public lives which revolve around simply doing what I love, without seeking acknowledgement or reward. Something in my upbringing, in the observation of my parents and mentors, drives me towards excellence.

Much as I seek perfection, I quite frequently fall short. I upbraid myself, accuse myself, and talk to myself in a voice that calls me by my own name, because there is a conversation to be had before someone else has it with me. I would rather be my own critic, so as to be prepared to receive a better critique, one of recognition, of merit, and of acknowledgement.

Stories That Once Scared Me

There are stories from my past that frighten me, where the infirmity registered in the ravine of failure offered no opportunity or facility for recovery. It was unsalvageable wreckage, beyond repair, and utterly hopeless.

Yet, I have a better story to tell. No narrative I share today wallows in helpless resignation, for I am blessed beyond measure with testimonies of goodness, success, victory, and triumph.

The Pleasure of Work

At work, I enjoy what I do, not for the remuneration, of which I have once earned stupendously, but for the satisfaction that the knowledge and expertise I bring to bear on the mundane and the complex still matters.

I get to learn as much as I help others learn. I do what I do, not to get noticed, but to make things work. In the process, acknowledgement, respect, and rewards may well come. My motivation, however, is the pleasure.

Appearance and Carriage

In appearance, I have my own kind of dressing, something I pay attention to, because appearance and carriage matter. There have been times when I have been stopped so that pictures could be taken of me.

Once, a young man, after complimenting me, said he would love to have the confidence to dress like me. I suppose hardly a day goes by without some sort of recognition from strangers, and yet I am not out to attract attention. My motivation is simply looking good.

The Wealth of Expression

On this blog, I write about anything that takes my fancy, not for want of engagement or readership. To think there was a time when I hated writing, even though I had a great deal to say in conversation.

I am easily shy, quite introverted, and socially awkward and nervous in organised meetings where people are networking. It is in the use of words that I truly flourish. My motivation is the wealth of expression.

The Story of a Man

What all this says to me is to keep doing what I know to do, in the best possible way, with every aim to impact, improve, and perhaps impress. I will never be everyone's cup of tea, but I hope those who drink this tea enjoy it tremendously.

Decades of work, portrayal, and expression all become the story of a man. Thank you for coming by.

A Google NotebookLM AI Podcast on this blog

Sunday, 17 May 2026

I've Never Liked Liquorice

A Restless Anticipation

I had a good enough night's rest, setting my wake-up alarm for 7:00 AM in anticipation of my oesophagogastroduodenoscopy procedure. In the end, the main thing that weighed on my mind was whether this apparently simple but unpleasant procedure could lead to complications.

I did not prepare myself for adverse outcomes, instead steeling myself with the inclination that everything would turn out right. I had already expiated my deepest concerns in the blog "Tubing Down the Gullet", which I wrote yesterday.

Setting Off to Hospital

After chatting to Brian, whose words of comfort and support meant a lot to me, I called an Uber to take me to the hospital, and sent a message to my neighbour about what was going on.

Arriving at the endoscopy unit, I was registered by the desk clerk at the reception. I had hardly settled into a comfortable seat before the coordinator of the unit invited me in for a preprocedural assessment, checking my details, gaining my consent, and explaining what the procedure would entail.

Briefed Before the Bed

It would last 7 minutes. You could add "long" or "short" as a qualifier of time; the personnel opted for "short", which was to minimise the conceptual understanding the patient might have of enduring such a long and uncomfortable intrusive activity.

The most important piece of advice was to keep breathing: in through the nose and out through the mouth. I ended up breathing entirely through my mouth, as my nose was slightly blocked when we started.

After that engagement, I was led to another waiting room to wait for the consultant who would conduct the endoscopy.

Meeting the Consultant

The consultant arrived: pleasant, amiable, and professional, doing his best to keep me at ease. After introductions, we walked to the examination room, well-lit and neat, with nurses giving off a warm aura of encouraging mien that could disarm every sense of anxiety.

She took my bag, cane, coat and hat, and had me sit on the bed. I was asked for the third time if I had any allergies. I always respond with "jealousy", something I learnt from the song "Footsteps Following Me" by Frances Nero, which contains the line, "I am allergic to jealousy". It is quite an icebreaker, I think. [Footsteps Following Me (Lyrics) / (YouTube)]

As I was not going to be sedated, I had this foul-tasting numbing spray squirted down my throat and larynx before I lay down on my left side on the bed. A mouth guard was inserted to stop me from biting on the camera tubing.

The Endoscope Goes Down

The endoscope, which I had seen earlier, looked like a generously thick length of liquorice, just a little over 1 cm in diameter from my estimation. It was introduced into my mouth and wound its way into my throat, where I had to swallow to give it access, and then I began to gurgle. My head was held still as I was advised to keep breathing.

I was breathing, but my gag reflex was triggered so many times that I was retching violently, somewhat scared I might aspirate any fluids. The nurse used a suction tube to draw out the fluid, and there were moments I was comfortable just breathing through my mouth before I was retching again, with my body and legs reacting wildly to the inconvenience.

The camera travelled down to the deepest reaches of my duodenum within two minutes, and for thorough examination, the endoscopist had the camera look back on itself, which is called retroflexion. With air being blown in to allow for a better view, all of it was coming back up in the gurgling and retching.

Biopsies and Relief

Towards the end, I was asked if biopsies could be taken. I'd rather suffer this once than have it done again, so I signalled my consent, and a thin red line was channelled into the camera stem for that purpose.

Imagine the relief when the endoscope was finally extracted, only for me to find that despite all the preparation, my top was soiled to the back of my left shoulder. I tried to dry up before being taken to recovery, where I awaited the preliminary findings of the procedure.

Another set of blood pressure, blood oxygen, and temperature measurements was taken, showing my blood pressure had fallen some 20 points between when I arrived and soon after the procedure.

The Findings

The findings indicated a hiatus hernia, suggesting my stomach had moved slightly above the diaphragm. This is apparently common and could be age-related. Further along, there was an incomplete Schatzki ring not causing any significant narrowing. This is a circle of tissue in the lower oesophagus that might make it difficult to swallow food.

These findings might not fully explain the food impaction and choking events, but they might indicate something to be aware of. The nurse in the recovery ward suggested I give more time to chewing and mastication before swallowing.

The histopathology of the biopsies is expected in anything from 6 weeks, scribbled in over the printed two weeks. I also had to wait an hour after the application of the numbing spray before ingesting anything.

Heading Home

Then I was discharged and walked back home to take a long bed rest. While I feel alright, the invasion of my innards was quite a shock to my system, bringing on exhaustion and tiredness.

I could have written this blog in the hospital, but it has taken hours afterwards, using AI to explain all the medical terms that are inscrutable to the layman, and trying to understand everything that happened: the findings, and the possible issues that might result. The premise is that there is nothing to worry about, just knowledge that explains some historical issues.

A Parting Thought

One final thing: I was their first customer, and it looked like 3 others had cancelled their appointments. I was never once addressed as a patient. Was I the bigger fool for attending what others were not ready to endure? I have no answer to that question.

A Google NotebookLM AI Podcast on this blog

Saturday, 16 May 2026

Patience and the Idiot Behind the Wheel

A Scene in Bucolic Cheshire

Accidents are exactly that, and some are caused by avoidable human error. In bucolic Cheshire, where the roads are pleasant and everyone drives with the abandon of suburban, carefree distraction, I happened upon a scene.

A fire engine stood with lights flashing, and as the details began to make sense, I saw two cars involved in a collision, with a tow-away truck arriving to cart one of them away. The police had cordoned off the road; in fact, there was no thoroughfare. Cars were being diverted further up the road, except for residents of the area.

Surveying the Wreckage

I did not tarry. As another tow-away truck navigated the roadblock, I noted the cars were a wreck, and could surmise from my observation who might have been at fault. One car had been accessing a busy road, and the driver's judgement must have deserted him; he was not fast enough to cross the oncoming lane to turn into the road as another car approached from the right.

There would not have been enough time for the other car to react with a sudden stop or a swerve. The result: a crash, fenders ruined, airbags deployed, and one foolish act becoming the inconvenience of many.

Reflections on Patience and Policing

I have always opined that the speed and manoeuvrability of a car present many opportunities for patience; but you only need an idiot behind the wheel for a vehicle to become a weapon of catastrophic consequences.

Yet, for all the unfortunate interactions I have had with the police before, I was persuaded that their helpfulness on this occasion was commendable.

A Google NotebookLM AI Podcast on this blog

Tubing Down the Gullet

The Weight of Anticipation

Anxiety is a weight. It sits on your chest and bears down regardless of whether you are lying down, sitting, or standing. Anxiety also signals that the issues of life, though measurable in the brain, are situated in the chest cavity where your heart and lungs reside.

For instance, when you feel confident, you are likely to beat your chest rather than slap your head. Slapping your head, it turns out, is an act of self-deprecation in recognition of one's silliness or foolishness. Anticipation can create anxiety, and nothing quite causes that feeling of foreboding like the hours just before a long-scheduled medical procedure.

Lessons from a Previous Encounter

With hindsight, two years ago, after a multiparametric MRI scan, the consultant sprang a biopsy of my prostate gland on me without first reviewing the results or explaining the reasons. Even so, I was quite well prepared for the encounter.

I asked questions, demanded answers, and only acquiesced to the procedure once I was convinced of the need. The importance of reading up on your medical situation is paramount.

A Portmanteau of Procedures

Tomorrow, I am going for an Oesophagogastroduodenoscopy. I could have sworn that is not a word, but welcome to the world of medical terms that suggest a portmanteau of activities. The word reminds me of German, where portmanteau words are joined up with the letter "S". I would suppose, with medical terms, it is the letter "O", much like when I had that inguinoscrotal abscess last month.

In summary: I am having an endoscopy that will reach down through my oesophagus, past the gastrointestinal junction, to the first and shortest section of my small intestine. I have not deigned to measure that in miles, but it feels like a long way down to places never before visited, rather like the first landing on the moon.

Why This Procedure Is Necessary

This is pursuant to an investigation that presaged my visit to A&E after a choking incident which impacted my ability to swallow anything, including fluids, for hours. I was eventually discharged about five hours into my hospital attendance, after managing a sandwich and a drink. Taken alongside a history of choking events going back decades, and three such incidents since that discharge, this procedure is necessary.

Herewith, the cause of my anxiety: without a chaperone, I can only elect for the most basic palliative, which would be a numbing spray to the back of the throat, rather than a sedative.

Finding Peace

I believe I shall be fine. I suppose it is just part of human nature to be slightly concerned at that kind of invasive activity, and it is not helped by a mind full of others recounting their own endoscopic odyssey.

Shalom! Peace to my mind, peace to my soul, peace to my thoughts, peace through it all.

A Google NotebookLM AI Podcast on this blog