No More Fucks to Give: On Experience, Rejection, and Self-Worth

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The Weight of Experience

I have met, read about, and heard from people who tell me it is tough out there. This is not for any want of skill or expertise; these are people who initiated, executed, and commissioned projects and programmes in-country, abroad, and within global conglomerates, bringing function and functionality into existence.

Yet, for all that wealth of experience, along with continuous adaptation and change, a keenness to keep abreast of developments, and a depth built over decades, the market for talent seems to have closed its doors. It offers little opportunity for the kind of knowledge and insight that would profit any organisation daring enough to venture from the packaged to the rugged.

Six Hundred Applications

My own experience of this came through posting around 600 applications for jobs I not only believed I could do, but for which, at times, I was overqualified. Still, you stick your oar in for the prospect of being seen and recognised enough for what they might think you can do.

At this point, it is not a case of looking for achievement. While we can set new goals for the circumstances in which we find ourselves, there is little else we need to prove to anyone, apart from the excitement we feel in doing things, doing them well, and then being given a platform to pay it forward through mentoring, coaching, and helping others grow.

The Toll of Rejection

Each application went out on the wing of hope that the response would not be one of rejection, but an invitation to have a conversation. Those who do not know you might subject you to unconventional questioning that borders on interrogation. You half bite your tongue at being patronised, belittled, or even humiliated, because they seem to hold all the cards while you are trying to be seen beyond what your CV says about you.

This process is not without a toll on your confidence and self-esteem. You begin to measure yourself according to what you are offered rather than what you are worth. It becomes a gradual, humbling climbdown; the high they think they are offering sits at a low you had never countenanced, perhaps not in two decades, but that becomes the price for being, unfortunately, out of the game.

Stooping to Conquer

Invariably, we stoop to conquer, resetting our expectations and redefining our horizons as our laurels begin to hang on the walls that deign to accept us. Perhaps some recognition comes with it, once they realise we were more than a bargain snapped up by a market less astute.

The corporate world might forget one thing. Where others are still in pursuit of hierarchical reward, we, after almost four decades in this sphere, probably know all the machinations of office politics, the power plays, and the egos that so easily toxify an otherwise conducive workplace.

A Word to the Weary

Indeed, I encourage those who have been denied prospect after prospect not to relent; perhaps some recalibration is all that is required. I remember all sorts of things said about my old CV. It was rewritten, redesigned, and refurbished until I could almost no longer recognise myself, my work, my voice, and what I could eventually defend. In the end, it was the old and trusty CV that won it.

Finally, I enjoy what I do as a senior sort of geek. I will not be disrespected, and I will speak my mind. I do not need to be confrontational, but if circumstance demands it, the challenge will be met. And heck, many like me have no more fucks to give; annoy us and we are gone. Thank you.

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Badly Designed Systems Are Just That

Learning to Laugh

Life can be a rather humorous existence, or at least, I tend to laugh at myself more than I berate myself. It is a healthy disposition to have. What fools we have been in too many things, though hopefully we have refused to allow those things to define us.

Consider the pressure to deliver a product that was less than ready for primetime, yet pushed towards deployment by the powers that be. This came after misgivings and concerns that eventually became valid and were proved so too.

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A Premise That Failed

I found myself testing a premise that did not work. Every time I made an adjustment, I did not see the expected result. When I was asked to put it out immediately, I had one inescapable point: what is not working cannot be deployed. I had a slight window of protest, insisting that until it worked on my system, it could go nowhere.

When I eventually got the working parts to work, I realised my error had been using a similarly named old component when the new one was intended. The urge from one end had beclouded my ability to concentrate. Once I discovered what the issue was, I sternly suggested that people should ease off and wait for my update.

Back to the Drawing Board

The next morning, we saw some results, along with the proof of why the other parts would not work. We had the knowledge, but the architects, in their wisdom and hubris, thought they knew better.

Did I not write about this last month, when I set out why technical authority without social consent produces brittle solutions? The whole process returned to the drawing board, yet once again it missed the essential part of engagement that would take a great concept to a successful deployment.

Then came another issue. I had written a letter to express my frustration at being unable to secure a slot for a review. The website presented a user experience you barely wanted to relive once, let alone many times over a couple of weeks.

An Unwinnable Lottery

As I recorded all the issues that fed what had looked like an unwinnable lottery for access, I clicked on another link within the interface, only to find that a slot had already been booked on my behalf, though I could find no record of being informed of that appointment.

I did, however, find one message that allowed the rescheduling of an earlier slot; but I attributed that to another booking I had received a few days before. What was missing from the information exchanges was any indication of what each message particularly pertained to.

When Systems Forget the User

How much better it could have been if they had not assumed they were the only ones communicating with you, and that the possibility of multiple appointments scheduled within a short timeframe might exacerbate the confusion about what was what.

This discovery meant my letter of frustration did not have to be sent. It was also a relief that the said slot had not passed, as the alternative arrangements made would not have been realised for almost three weeks.

The Wry Smile

Essentially, badly designed systems are just that: badly designed, no matter how they seem to work. The end user is simply left with concerns, frustrations and misgivings, entirely out of the frame of what affects them the most, because they are not properly considered as part of why, and for whom, the system was designed.

Then, for each of these episodes, when things are not as bad as they once seemed, there is a wry smile, some mirth and laughter, and even that urge to step out for a walk for having been so worked up earlier.

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Anecdote or Evidence? A Cancer Survivor's View

Living with Cancer

As someone who has endured two life-threatening episodes of cancer, I do not trifle with the medical components of diagnosis, treatment, monitoring, and the continued assessment of my health and condition.

What is even more interesting to me as an individual is the range of expertise that pertains to each case: the skin cancer I had in 2009, the prostate cancer diagnosis of 2024, and the search for anomalies that prompted my visit to an otolaryngologist last Friday, owing to concerns about my changed voice.

Having had chemotherapy for the former and radiotherapy for the latter, I am well aware that these are highly specialised areas of cancer treatment, and that they must remain under the supervision and control of the experts.

My Body, My Terms

That is not to say I present myself as a sheep for the slaughter, handing myself to the medical establishment to do with my body whatever it wishes. Readers of my blogs on my personal health experiences will be aware of a trenchant assertion I have made many times before: "It is my body first, before it is your guinea pig."

My engagement, involvement, and consent are required once the interventions considered on the pathway to my recovery have been fully explained and detailed. I retain the option of a second opinion, though I have not yet needed to exercise it. I ask the questions that need answering, and I do so from the standpoint that I have autonomy, understanding, and decision-making authority in any process that concerns me.

What I would never do is deviate from qualified and established medical procedure, whether for prophylaxis, acute treatment, or maintenance therapy, on any condition that has been verifiably diagnosed.

The Lure of Snake Oil

That said, I do understand that some people have not been as fortunate as I have in securing the outcomes they want from the medical establishment, whether in pain management, effective treatments, the management of adverse side effects, or simply that plain understanding of human suffering which might persuade a doctor to be a little more empathetic when addressing their concerns.

This might well be the reason people resort to snake oil remedies and unvetted drugs peddled by illegal dispensaries or by merchants without pharmaceutical provenance. Yet whatever fantastic tales are told about a remedy, and whatever endorsements and anecdotes others might offer to suggest it has benefitted them, I cannot outsource the need for better medical outcomes to unregulated practitioners who are effectively exploiting the vulnerability of helpless people for profit, for fame, or for both.

Anecdote or Evidence?

Here lies the crux of it. Should the lived experience of unregulated remedies, with all its accompanying anecdotes and testimonials, matter more than the evidence of what the medical establishment prescribes? These remedies are not the product of any properly conducted clinical trial; their results are sentimental rather than proven. That, I concede, is open for debate, but it is a debate worth having honestly, and with a clear head, rather than one settled by the loudest or most moving story.

If a patient is genuinely not getting what they need from their doctor, in terms of listening, understanding, and acting to help, then the alternatives deserve proper consideration. A second opinion, recourse to a medical ombudsman, a formal appeal: these are the legitimate avenues, and these are the discussions we ought to be having. They keep the patient within the bounds of safety while still asserting the autonomy I hold so dear.

The Real Danger

And so the difficult question remains. How do you convince people that, no matter how fantastic the apparent results of snake oil remedies might seem, they endanger themselves first? There is the risk of outright poisoning. There is the danger of rendering their current regulated treatments ineffective. There is the very real possibility of complicating the conditions they already have to the point of being untreatable.

If I refuse to be the medical establishment's guinea pig, why on earth would I allow a stranger to sell me funny goods? This is the most baffling thing about the news story on the BBC, the one that leaves you asking: why? [BBC News: Dewormer and scabies drugs being sold as cancer treatments, BBC investigation finds]

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Crumbs In Our Wake

Crumbs in Our Wake

As we walk the quiet streets of our cities in the assumed isolation of our seemingly contented spaces, we so easily and unknowingly leave crumbs of who and what we are in our wake.

Others, like pigeons of the air, swoop down and peck away at those crumbs, a meal provided by the divine hand of providence, in whom we can scarcely believe cares enough for us, even when neither bird nor beast worries, for provision does indeed come.

These crumbs tell other stories, the ones we cannot let go of because unanswered questions remain. It is unlikely we would ever get the opportunity to satisfy the curiosity that one strange encounter brings into view, even as we try to mind our own business.

A Chance Encounter

Much earlier today, a lady was coming towards me, pushing a pram. I presumed she was a grandmother, and not a walking miracle of Sarah begetting Isaac after the incredulity of her laughter at the idea that she could still bear a child.

She was adjusting a paper windmill, or pinwheel, and for that alone the expectation was that a child, reclined in the pram, was being entertained or distracted with the novelty of a spinning attraction. Had small talk ensued, it would have been about seeing a pleasantly focused, smiling toddler, whilst commending the grandmother for keeping the child at peace.

The Doll in the Pram

As I walked past, I looked to see a grinning face, teeth showing with the gaiety of the widest smile possible, even legs being thrown up in the air in acknowledgement of the object positioned for their attention. Nothing of the sort; the passenger in the ornate perambulator was a doll, unmistakably the plastic rigidity of a lifeless presence that only a doll could muster.

There was no need for a double take, but one did vacillate between concern and sympathy. Concern that this story was one of mental illness brought into the public sphere; the wish for a child now given over to the taking of a doll for an outing, with all the presence of mind to furnish that doll with the trimmings that might accompany a child.

Sympathy and Grace

Then came sympathy for whatever the tragic story might be, such as the loss of a grandchild remembered daily in this sad display of grief that I had now uncomfortably witnessed. A daily upset for her, and a lingering one for me, for how do you ask the pertinent questions?

There might be another angle, though, beyond concern or sympathy, this being eccentricity, and we all have some of that in us in different measures. Whether this be suffering expressed so vividly, or an expression too quickly misunderstood, the reality of a person's private world is not that private when brought into the public sphere.

A Good Samaritan Nature

Yet even this might not begin to cover the spectrum of life experiences that became that momentary observation, for any person's story is barely told in a brief encounter. Rather, what we know in part might define them too narrowly in comparison to who they really are.

And if we were to ignore the things we see, we could, in that very mindset, miss the moment when someone in distress could do with our Good Samaritan nature and our help.

Yet, in the crumbs that the pigeons do get to feed on, is a complete meal not better than manna, without a care for what tomorrow brings? There, but for the grace of God, go we, so that whatever story we tell might be a blessing to another.

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Long Enough, Short Enough: A Blog Learns to Speak

Twenty-Three Years On

The husbandry of a blog in its 23^rd year might leave one wondering whether there is a need to radically change its format and workings, or to provide other means of engagement with an audience whose attention is now grabbed by whatever suits these changing times.

When reviewing this issue, I have landed on the premise that textual expression still matters. I hope my blogs, as I have often suggested, follow the judgement of a good seamstress making a skirt: it should be long enough to cover the detail, whilst short enough to keep the interest.

I think I read that quip in the Reader's Digest, over 40 years ago, and it still matters. In terms of the format and appearance of my blogs, I have essentially maintained the same design for as long as I can remember.

A New Development

However, in 2026, I came upon an interesting development. On my Android phone, using the Google Chrome browser, there was an option to "Listen to this page". What you get is not a verbatim readout of the page, but an AI-generated summary, lasting up to 90 seconds.

For one blog I wrote at the end of January, I could not get an AI-generated summary; rather, it was a Read Aloud of the blog, word for word. I was not happy with that, and I could not find any mechanism to change it from a verbatim readout to an AI-generated précis.

It then occurred to me that, months ago, when working with Google NotebookLM, as it was known until earlier in July, the month we are now closing out, when it became Gemini Notebook, you could paste the URL of a source into a notebook and then ask for an Audio Overview.

The Audio Overview

In its default state, the Audio Overview is a Deep Dive: an AI-generated discussion between two people, one with a male voice and one with a female voice, on the content of the source. It offers explanation and exposition of the material to give a considered and thoughtful review of, in this case, the blog I have posted as a source.

This follows a podcast format, and you have options for a short version or one of much longer duration, with further formats beyond the Deep Dive, namely Brief, Critique, or Debate. I have plumped for the mid-range Deep Dive, which can run anywhere from 15 to 25 minutes.

To my mind, this is a judicious use of time: long enough to explore a blog's topics exhaustively, yet the podcast rarely rambles into the inconsequential or the insignificant. A five-minute podcast, by contrast, would do little justice to much of what I write about.

These conversations come in the M4A audio file format, which I upload to the Internet Archive and then share via an inline frame tag at the bottom of the text of every blog written in 2026.

I think this brings a rich context to the blog beyond just reading the material. Some discussions extend the reach of the blog to topics not clearly covered, or to issues that need addressing in clearer detail than a blog can offer.

A Matter of Inclusion

There is another benefit I had not fully appreciated at the outset. These audio overviews open the blog to those who might otherwise be shut out of it: readers with visual impairments, and those who find long passages of text a struggle.

They also serve the many who simply prefer to listen whilst commuting, walking, or going about their day. What began as an experiment in enrichment has quietly become a matter of inclusion, and I am glad the blog can now meet its audience in more than one way.

Weaving a Train of Thought

Beyond that, and this is still work in progress, I have taken links to blogs created in a monthly circle and asked for Audio Overviews that now weave an interesting train of thought. I have been surprised to see this, as each blog is usually written individually and separately, on its own subject, perspective, and merit.

I have put these out as much longer-form Deep Dive podcasts, published on a quarterly basis. I suppose the parameters for prompting in these situations require a bit more grounding and centring on the context of those blogs.

Occasionally, the Audio Overviews might misconstrue or misunderstand something; and while you can interact with a podcast, reproducing it, even on the same prompt, creates a uniquely different podcast.

That said, you have the option to put in clarifications and corrections until you are happy with the result. Some outputs are just too good to be discarded, the quality of the discussion outweighing the minor errors.

AI as a Useful Tool

My hope is that readers of my blogs can also become listeners to the podcasts, which serve as independent and usually objective reviewers of the material concerned, the blog being the core source of the podcast. As the author of these blogs, I have found the podcasts can untangle some awkward uses and styles of my writing. In this, I have found AI a most useful tool.

In the end, the same principle that has long governed my prose now governs my podcasts: long enough to cover the detail, short enough to keep the interest. The good seamstress, it seems, has taken up a new craft.

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Dysphonia, Dysphagia, and the Dys- Between

A Terrifying Observation

At the end of a flexible nasoendoscopy, a procedure in which a small camera was passed through my left nostril, the right one having proved less pliant, there were a few conclusions, though none of particular concern.

The procedure examined my throat and voice box for a simple reason: since I commenced four weeks of radiotherapy for prostate cancer in September 2024, I had lost my natural voice. It had been reduced to a hoarseness, carrying a semblance of weariness and tiredness that might suggest I was gravely ill.

In general, I am fine. The voice that comes and goes does not reflect that impression, and yet a consultant on another stream of the multidisciplinary team that handles my clinical issues and healthcare outcomes has been on my case since January 2025.

Questioning the Cause

While I had surmised that the change in my voice was a long-term side effect of the radiotherapy, she disputed this. Even if I, as a man, were kicked in the testicles, with the usual prospect of momentarily losing my voice, and I had indeed been through the equivalent by way of radiotherapy, the effect should not last as long as it has in my case.

I even dared to question how she, as a female, would know about this uniquely male anatomy.

Then, at my biannual consultation just over a week ago, the consultant took the initiative on the matters I had been reticent to pursue, and scheduled sessions with other specialists in the very fields she had been seeking answers in. My hospital visit yesterday was to see an ENT (Ear, Nose, and Throat) specialist, or should I say an otolaryngologist.

Into the Consulting Room

Before meeting the consultant, I filled in three pages of tick boxes, affirmatives or negatives, to provide a general overview of what needed assessing. I was then called into a consulting room to sit in an abridged version of a dentist's chair.

On what was my third hospital visit in eight days, I could be forgiven for feeling some trepidation, whilst remaining hopeful that nothing untoward would be found.

Understanding Dysphonia

The condition under review is called dysphonia, a medical term for any voice disorder that makes your voice sound hoarse, raspy, breathy, or strained. This is in addition to sexual dysfunction, an obvious side effect of the radiotherapy, and dysphagia, another condition that may have been exacerbated by radiotherapy but has existed for longer, for which I had an oesophagogastroduodenoscopy in May.

In layman's terms, my vocal cords were considered quite thin, not closing properly when I talk, and carrying a slight tremor. It was watching the video playback, while we discussed the prognosis, that left me a little terrified. The movement of my vocal cords looked like the wings of a bat about to take off from a perch. You mean that was happening inside me?

The Prognosis

A contributory factor to my snoring was that my palate is unusually low, though nothing was attributed to that condition beyond the raspiness in my voice, which is probably caused by acid reflux that does not occur all that often.

We agreed there was little else to do, unless I initiated a follow-up because my voice had noticeably worsened, or unless I wanted the filler injection known as vocal fold injection augmentation, not an endearing prospect from what I have read about it.

Exploring the Prefix Dys-

Meanwhile, the original consultant has already scheduled an appointment to discuss the results, and I am learning more about the prefix dys-, which might refer to any of the following kinds of situations.

Bad / Ill: working in a harmful or poor way.

• Dysfunction: impaired or unhealthy functioning (e.g. family dysfunction)
• Dyspepsia: bad digestion
• Dystopia: a bad or undesirable society
• Dysphoria: a state of unease or dissatisfaction

Difficult / Painful: causing trouble or hurt to do.

• Dyslexia: difficulty reading
• Dysphagia: difficulty swallowing
• Dyspnoea: difficulty breathing
• Dysmenorrhoea: painful menstruation

Abnormal / Impaired: moving away from the normal state or standard.

• Dysplasia: abnormal development of cells or tissue
• Dyskinesia: abnormal or impaired movement
• Dysarthria: impaired speech articulation
• Dysgraphia: impaired writing ability

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Authority Without Consent

The Weight of Fallibility

Hubris is one of those traits anyone should do well to avoid. Regardless of one's expertise, ability, and confidence, we are prone to error, mistakes, failings, or just the slightest miscomprehension of a situation.

This is not to second-guess the premise; rather, it is simply that an awareness that we may not be entirely correct, and hence fallible, can be a humbling realisation. It shows us the extent of what we intend in our self-belief, and how reality challenges it.

A Rollout Not Ready

Recently, I met the weight of imposition from on high: a process I was neither confident in nor happy to deploy. Developments within the last week have now brought into stark relief that what appeared to work on a single device, with a different kind of user profile, was neither ripe nor ready for a global rollout.

One could snidely suggest that this was a fact posited many times before but ignored because the proposer's office implied an all-knowing mien that would brook no questioning.

Well, it all returned to the drawing board as we identified the kinks in the solution. A new solution has since been proposed that is radically different from the original and contains elements that give one the jitters.

Consequently, we are back to the original arguments of fanciful ideas that appear to work in isolation but require a different mindset when set for a global deployment.

Authority Without Consent

What this episode really lays bare is a simple truth: technical authority without social consent produces brittle solutions. A design may be elegant on paper and hold together in isolation, yet the moment it meets the messy reality of many hands and many machines, it fractures, not for want of cleverness, but for want of ownership.

There is, of course, a counter-argument that imposition is sometimes necessary, and that endless consensus can stall a decision indefinitely. I would not dismiss it. But there is a world of difference between the people who run the environment, who understand its issues and problems intimately, and an architect parachuted into a situation who consults no one, believing they already know everything necessary to fix things.

We appreciate that things need to improve, and we would welcome ideas, insight, inspiration, and implementations to put matters right. The question is whether there is a better way for this to go forward without proper engagement. I would suggest there is not.

What an Architect Should Be

An architect should not be like a bull let loose in a china shop, nor should they be a cowboy riding a three-legged horse. My view of an architect is someone who listens and observes intently, appreciates and understands, then suggests rather than imposes, carrying people along rather than rubbing them up the wrong way.

When you break the social element of engagement that helps take ideas to implementation, whatever concept is in the plan is likely to fail. This is not because people have refused to do it, but because the prospect is not owned by the people who would eventually manage it.

If you are an architect, ensure that this is not one of your flaws. Get the builders onside before you take your grand scheme to town, selling castles in the air that no one can reach, even if they could fly.

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