Eurovision: At 35,000ft - Cabin crew open doors

Helpless against inanity

Sadly, La Pays-Bas (The Netherlands in French) would not be represented at the Eurovision Song Contest 2007 this weekend in Helsinki, Finland, thereby; they would be spared the ignominy of zero points at the time of reckoning.

The entry from the United Kingdom sung by Scooch with the title Flying the Flag came a “respectable” 19^th out of 24 possible places, amazing.

The scoring for the contest represented by the scorecard (PDF) would offer marks out of 12 for the song, the performance, the choreography (three-legged dance steps) and the outfit.

What we can expect from Scooch would be a song so silly, a performance not befitting of a trolley dolly, the choreography of air crew doing the safety talking and outfits that would make Aeroflot girls look smart.

We should just prepare ourselves for the embarrassment that would stem from singing these words, if we do win anything, I would eat my hat, I said this before. Read and cringe, the theme is cabin crew banter.

The lyrics

This is your captain speaking; I’d like to welcome you aboard this Eurovision flight

The duration will be 3 minutes exactly – now sit back, relax and enjoy the flight

Ba-ba-da, Ba-ba-da, Ba-da-da-ba, ba-da
Duty free madam?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Ba-ba-da, Ba-ba-da, Ba-da-da-ba, ba-da
We’re flying the flag all over the world - Flying the flag for you

London to Berlin
All the way from Paris to Tallinn
Helsinki on to Prague
Don’t matter where we are –yeah yeah ye-ah

Flying high in Amsterdam
Why don’t you catch us if you can
Now we’re cruising in the sky
And we’re singing it for you

Ba-ba-da, Ba-ba-da, Ba-da-da-ba, ba-da
Some salted nuts sir?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Ba-ba-da, Ba-ba-da, Ba-da-da-ba, ba-da

We’re flying the flag all over the world
Flying the flag for you
Would you like a complimentary drink with your meal sir?
We’re flying the flag all over the world
Flying the flag for you…

Ladies & Gentlemen, your exits are located here, here and here
To fasten your seatbelt insert the fitting
To use the life vest, slip it over your head
Pull firmly on the red cord and blow into the mouthpiece

Ba-ba-da, Ba-ba-da, Ba-da-da-ba, ba-da
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Ba-ba-da, Ba-ba-da, Ba-da-da-ba, ba-da

We’re flying the flag all over the world
Flying the flag for you

We’re flying the flag all over the world - yes we’re flying - take you all around the world
Flying the flag for you
Would you like something to suck on for landing sir?
We’re flying the flag all over the world - yes we’re flying - take you all around the world
Flying the flag for you…

We’d like to thank you for flying with us today

Anyone in the jet set would automatically know that is some no-frills budget airline with passengers flying cattle class, with an aisle just wide enough for a single file of the slimmest people on earth.

Ba-ba-da, yeah, Ba-ba-da? You cannot get more bubblegum than that.

Oh! How really deeply embarrassing this would be and the shame of coming last would be such a consolation.

Captain: This is your captain speaking, we are cruising at 35,000 feet, Cabin Crew, doors to manual please. You can open the doors.