Nigeria: Taking Football to the Realm of the Superhuman

Records for the cooks

When I read of the amazing football match results in Nigeria, I was disappointed at the negative reaction that followed the issue; match-fixing allegations, suspensions and disbandment have followed, that is rather unfortunate.

Let us look at the issue more closely, the winning teams, Plateau United Feeders and Police Machine FC which scored 79 and 67 goals respectively.

Even Tahiti against the best

I see ‘Feeders’ and ‘Machine’ in their names and I am led to believe they are capable of that feat. For instance, at the recently concluded FIFA Confederations Cup in Brazil, we all eventually found out where a nation called Tahiti was, they conceded 24 goals in 3 matches having played Nigeria – the African champions, Uruguay – a two-time World Cup winning nation and current Copa América holders and Spain – the current European and World Cup champions.

For all the talent and ability of these able global football power houses, Nigeria managed only 6 goals conceding 1, Spain knocked in a paltry 10 and Uruguay knocked in a mere 8 both conceding none.

Feeders and Machine alike

In the first half of the games, the Feeders scored 7 and the Police Machine scored 6, probably no mean feat, but the second half of the games must be for the record books.

As it stacks up, it means the Feeders scored 72 goals in 45 minutes, that is a goal every 37.5 seconds, the Police Machine were not as prolific but close with 61 goals in 45 minutes, a goal every 44.2 seconds.

Now, I am no football expert, but the efficiency with which these football matches were conducted must reward the referees with accolades and the players of the winning teams with citations of amazing prowess.

Imagine the time it takes to score a goal, retrieve the ball, sent it to the centre and kick-off again before another goal is scored and my imagination suggests the players will be moving too fast for the normal human eye to keep up with – these are super-human feats.

Give them a contract

If I were a football scout, I will be making serious enquiries about these men, you only have to get the ball to their feet and the rest is football poetry never ever written before, unseen dribbles that leave opponents minutes behind a pass that the game is over long before it has begun – I cannot understand the opprobrium.

I am saddened by the knee-jerk reaction of the Nigerian Football Federation (NFF), as the spokesperson said, "It is unacceptable - a scandal of huge proportions." Honestly, I say to Muke Umeh, Calm down! Let us not make a scandal out of a feat of amazing and commendable human ability that is deserving of recognition and reward – they have taken football out of the reach of mere mortals – that is to be celebrated.

The best of football, ever

Obviously, one does feel for the losing teams, I am sure both Akurba FC and Bubayaro FC (now disbanded) acquitted themselves well even if the score line seems to suggest they were worse than lame in the field of play, I say they were overwhelmed by technical ability, finesse and superior football – these are men who by their great achievement should belong to the World XI in any competition worth its salt.

To the men who will put Pele, Maradona and Messi combined in the shade, I commend the prolific talents of the guys who scored for Plateau United Feeders and Police Machine FC.