Thought Picnic: My laughter and my pain

Laughing through the pain

It was a Sunday evening as I relaxed I realised I was in serious pain, much more painful than usual. I was on pain medication, an analgesic, an opioid and then a Fentanyl patch that was supposed to stick to my skin for at least 72 hours but sometime around the 30-hour mark, it had fallen off and with it came the excruciating pain of cancer that had no description than the fact that it took all comfort away and presented agony with no respite.

The only reaction I could have to this discovery was to apply a new patch and I later learnt I could use an adhesive tape to keep the patch secure.

However, for immediate relief, I began to laugh, deliberately and forcefully until it was like I was delirious, there, my friend thought I had lost it, but the laughter for all that was known about its therapeutic qualities was releasing endorphins that allowed a modicum of pain relief, for me it worked, but I was laughing through the pain.

Laughing off the pain

Then more recently, as I was chatting to a good friend about my circumstances, changes that meant I had no home with little resources and my general means running out along with attendant concerns for the immediate future that included the knowledge that making ends meet will be difficult since my contract had ended, I was sanguine.

I chuckled in expectation and even laughed in hope but my friend sensed that I was laughing off the pain, no so much of insincerity but for the absence of the kind of emotion that expresses depression or dejection, things were not as right as they ought to be though sometimes I wonder what is ought and what is not – I am stretched in what I can believe and yet I believe in the midst of apparent and real lack.

The memory of loss dogs me as the hope for gain urges me on, I am able if I find opportunity but like I noted in a blog I wrote in April, titled Hard Times, my choices have become limited, as are my options and the ability to make bold decisions, there is a constraint that accompanies lack that imprisons you in circumstances that only your mind can dare to free you from and maybe good fortune can provide amazing escape from but until then, the day is long, tomorrow never comes and the laughter is one of deep pain.