I feel like I've been raped

Feeding the great database

They come with forms or sit behind computers, pens to hand or fingers oscillating between keyboard and mouse, they record my words for that great database beyond my reach.

The many times, I have told my story, I could have staged a play and put it in a theatre for entertainment, but this is not entertainment, it is my life and at present, it not fun.

Maybe they were listening with rapt attention, they feigned enough sympathy to appear concerned, and I was deluded into thinking something was afoot, the great database will lay out tables for food, build huts for shelter, hold my hand over unsteady bridges from uncertainty to stability, but no such luck.

They have harvested each meaningful part of my tale into statistics that show they are doing something, but I am seeing nothing.

Used and abused

The psychologist knew the urgency, too many papers were filled and signed, we need to deal with the immediate issue, she said, but nothing came of it, and yet I return today to be raped once more in the hope the abuse would get to the point that I cannot be refused.

The social worker having painted pictures of the darkest possible outcomes suffused it with probabilities and possibilities, we will call you he said, but nothing came of that either, yet he is now privy to my medical history as if something has been done – raped, once again.

I was to see one doctor, no one told me I would be seeing another, and until I raised the point, there was no courtesy of saying that one was standing in for the other, so rather than fill in the gaps, I was telling the same old story with another stranger making decisions I find needful for my wellbeing though it would have helped if I was starting a relationship with my consultant – I felt raped.

Then I went to the state and asked for help, after another harvest of data into the great database, I was denied and kicked out, over the fence to no one else but for a friend who came in the nick of time to offer roof and board.

What gives?

Reviewing my situation, I’ve not really found out how the system works and thereby never been able to take full advantage of certain rights I have considering the gatekeepers growl like a three-headed Cerberus drooling with rabid spittle ready to take you by the shin if you dare try to pass.

For now apparently trying hard enough, I guess I am beginning to enjoy getting raped.