Hospital: Hepatic scrutiny

Situation to woman

I could remember the day I had a deep biopsy almost 4 years ago when the consultant dermatologist asked one of his understudies to probe the fungating cancer tumours in the ball of my foot and the second toe of my left foot.

The pain was already unbearable and otherworldly as the woman flooded my foot with injections of Lidocaine to no effect. After seven shots, I could still feel the raw pain of cancer, excruciating beyond what words could describe, but the biopsy had to be done.

So I laid on the gurney, a nurse holding one hand as if I was enacting a sketch of a woman in labour, she asked me to take deep breaths, though I did not have to push, I did ask for an epidural but none was offered.

In the end, I had some tissue folded into a big pad and put that between my jaws for the firmest bite force I could muster and gave in to the worst of the biopsy, which ended after 10 minutes.

Situation to ponder

I was in pain for another hour after that, it was one of the worst experiences I ever had in my life, but it was necessary to ascertain the type of cancer I had for them to determine the course of treatment.

Today, I was to have another experience that could easily have been happening to the other gender as I wondered aloud if it would be healthy and speculated about its gender, then remembered we do not gestate.

Before I knew it, someone was congratulating my wife and I; that left me in a rather tight corner before I stuttered my thanks and moved on swiftly ere I had to divulge too much about my warped thinking and complicated relationship arrangements or the lack of them.

Situation of liver

I was to have an ultrasound liver scan, and I really was not expecting a foetus to be kicking and grimacing in my belly.

Preparations for that meant drinking lots of water to have a full bladder and no food for at least 6 hours before the scan. I find water tasteless that I only got half of the two litres I was supposed to drink into my system.

I registered, and within minutes, the sonographer called my name, took me into a consulting room and then asked me to take my shirt off, sag my trousers before lying on the bed.

She applied some jelly to my belly and used the probe to rub it all over the exposed parts of my abdomen before I had to take a series of long deep breaths that I held for almost a minute before I was allowed to breathe normally again.

Situation is good

I could not see the scans as they allow women to see the ultrasound scans of their life foetuses, however, we did come up with the idea of projecting the scans onto the ceiling to keep patients entertained but that might not be possible under the NHS.

Turning onto my side, my arms raised above my head, she did more scans until she declared that my liver looks fine. Over time, I will continue to have blood tests and possible biannual scans – great relief and thankfulness, one cannot afford another major event for this day.