Thought Picnic: My regret at doing nothing about that love

I was crazy in love

Yesterday would have been Chris’ 44^th birthday, the 8^th since he passed away unexpectedly in London in mid-October 2009, just a few days after I was discharged from the hospital.

I loved him and yet could not stand him because he had this hold on my heart that left me too crazy to think with my head, I was just crazy for him.

Then again, I was afraid, I was unsure and I was hesitant. We were conducting a difficult long-distance relationship that had us rendezvous everywhere abroad but at home, except for the first time when he visited me in Amsterdam. I should have had him come over to live with me in Amsterdam, with all the sacrifices it would entail.

He was a crazy man

There is nothing I can do about it now but work with hindsight and hope that I have learnt some hard lessons about love, commitment and following your heart. Chris ticked all the boxes of looks and passion, great fun, wicked sense of humour but with an evil streak that sometimes made me wonder how I got involved in this crazy game.

There was a past that haunted him that sometimes clouded his better judgement, I could make allowances for a lot, but there were times I needed to escape from it all to give my heart a time for recovery.

This was crazy news

One such time was at the time when I fell ill, I did not respond to any of his messages, I was hurting too much, in the pain of love and indifference, his calls and questions in messages left unanswered and then I was in hospital without telling him I was gravely ill. He probably was gravely ill too, I did not know.

It was two weeks after I was discharged from hospital that I sent him a message, being sorry for not keeping in touch and how much as I love and miss him, we just had this crazy, crazy relationship. When I received a response, my heart skipped a beat, the first sentence literally killed me.

His housemate responding informed me that Chris had died just two weeks before of renal failure, the love I thought I had, had gone.