Thought Picnic: Pearls of my heart trampled on by swine

After much reflection

I have been thinking about this for a while, aspects of the heart and mind in relation to people I have tried to love and build some sort of relationship with.

There are times I have wondered about why finding people with whom to have lasting, rewarding, happy and beautiful relationships has been difficult, if not impossible. Do I attract a certain kind of personality with flaws that are beyond tending, caring and nurturing to the point of individual self-fulfilment and mutual benefit?

Open heart, open hands

I am a hopeless romantic, quick to invest time, means, resource, heart and soul in people I find attractive. Many of whom are in essence really beautiful people until some situation exposes the baggage, the insecurities, the self-loathing, the illnesses and much else.

Yet, I do have great capacity to manage any of those issues, my arms are wide open to embrace, my ears ready to listen, my heart open to accommodate and in all, it seems to lead to heartbreak. I live by the view that an open hand is one that is ready to receive too.

I appreciate that I have had such experiences in life that many would never encounter regardless of whatever they achieve. I make no apology for the fact that I have had a life of opportunity, of privilege, of class, of access and much else.

I mean, I make no apology

That I manage simplicity and sophistication with ease is just part of my make-up and I do not intend to pay some vicarious homage to any sort of asceticism of socialist equality when even looking at my hands, I can see that my fingers are not equal, but of different lengths to make my hands grip and grasp effectively.

I love people for whom they are and my somewhat strong personality would tend to lift anyone I have within my purview up, it does not preclude me willingness to try new experiences, even as there are standards that one maintains simply to redound quality to the joy of living.

Damaged people with unmanaged issues

My search for useful and true love needs to move out of the cohort of those who are too engrossed in battling their own demons to see the possibility of good things ahead of them. The few I have loved who have turned out to be unlovable, the complimented that cannot countenance honest praise because their lives are infused on criticism and excoriation. It has forced me to hold back when there is a lot more I can do.

One would hate to think there is a seething jealousy that inhibits them from showing and receiving affection, it is part of what I have seen. In much that I have been taken advantage of, I cannot condemn myself in the things that I have allowed. I offer love unconditionally and give everyone the chance to be themselves and even a better version of themselves, because that is how I was brought up.

My pearls trampled by swine

To give everyone the benefit of the doubt, think the best of everyone, give them all the chances to find the best of themselves, help them with every resource I have at my disposal to get beyond themselves. What it does for me is radical and amazing, it gives me stability and the platform from which to improve myself too.

However, back to the original thought, I have been wasting my time with men who do not deserve me. I have to return to loving myself the more and in the process begin to understand that I deserve better than casting the pearls of my heart and soul to be trampled on by unlovable swine.