Thought Picnic: Eating flesh twice forbidden

Harking back in time

This is a story that seems to draw many laughs, yet it is the narration of one of my many experiences of racial abuse countered with the good fortune of a quick wit. I am sure I have relayed this on one of my previous blogs, but it finds some interesting resonance today.

I was in a bookshop on the concourse of Amsterdam Central Station when a brief encounter looking like a disagreement of sorts ensued. I have no idea how it started, but this man was soon spewing out expletives at me that my only response to him was to say, I do not speak like that.

In retort, he said, he would speak anyway he wants to, which was his prerogative, not that I cared much for it until he said, “A hundred years ago, I would have shot you.” Strangely, I was not shocked because we were not in that time of the past that he desired. However, my response just as he finished, “Two hundred years ago, I would have eaten you.” He did not have a reaction to that.

The natives as creatives

Indeed, the white man did bound around Africa and some uncharted regions of the world where some encounters revealed the magic of gunfire and for others who never returned, cannibalism did not have the strangeness it has today. A large cauldron, some excited drumming, and the natives were chewing the delicacy of rare meat not deemed untouchable as to be deified.

I cannot vouch for what my ancestors would have done long before my time. Still, as far back as we can trace the history, a good few were progressive and this fed the inclination of my near ancestors to seek knowledge, education, emancipation, and much more. I am a product of their tenacity and survival against all odds.

Heads are not that sweet

You may then wonder why I started this blog with the story told earlier. In the last few days, I have had conversations where I have been deemed blunt, frank, cruel, unforgiving, or even grumpy. Usually, someone would suggest I got off on the wrong side of my bed and when I suggested I only had one side to get off on, they implied I was climbing up the wall first.

In another situation, it would be me biting off their heads, as if I had travelled back in time for a stint in substituting brains for cauliflower cheese. Even I started wondering what could be in their heads that could be tastier than what I normally cook?

It speaks to my strong constitution that I have not reached to retch in a sickbag already. I could almost regret my riposte because people might well believe I have been picking my teeth with the finely honed bones of an Englishman and well, my crockery is of the finest bone without having to get to China.

For all my civilised mien, I was only trying to stop one heinous act with the benevolent sharing a catch, is that not what community is all about?

Men's things - XVII

Satisfying a curiosity

Today, I began a new journey that started just over six months ago with my desire to find out why a blood reading presented suspicions of anaemia that I was determined to track down and resolve. As I was at the doctor’s surgery to get blood drawn, at my insistence, they added another vial to check my Prostate Specific Antigen (PSA) reading, it came back borderline normal.

The next visit 7 weeks later to check if the anaemic condition had been addressed included a second PSA test and this time, it was above the normal range and this has set us on the course of the discovery and consequently, the treatment of prostate cancer.

A computer tomography experience

I attended the hospital for a radiotherapy planning Computer Tomography (CT) scan the night before encumbered with insomnia even though I never felt anxiety nor concern and then to a morning that presented no bowel movement, much as I tried and a bladder that barely yielded to the urge for emptying.

I am even more fascinated by all the non-intrusive methods of looking inside the human body before doing anything. I have had the full complement over years and decades of, X-rays of teeth and chest, ultrasound of liver and kidneys, Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) of the spine and the prostate, and now, a CT scan of the pelvis targeting the prostate.

The CT machine presented a hard flatbed to lie on and its activity was just beeps and whirls, with me being passed in and out of the doughnut ring several times before I was tattooed with ink on two sides and in the middle just a few inches below my navel.

Zap the cancer to oblivion

After this, I had some blood taken for testosterone levels and another PSA test, just over 5 months after the last one along with a scheduling form for the radiotherapy sessions to begin in two weeks for 20 days. The times for the first 5 days had been scheduled.

To put it all in a nutshell and deal with that nut of cancer in the shell of the prostate, we are at the point where it is simply:

• Where is the prostate?
• We are coming to zap the cancer to oblivion and there’s no playing games with you.

Apart from the usually comforting conversation with Brian on my way to the hospital and after my appointment, I had already surmised I could not rely on my friend who had offered to accompany me. I guess he has more issues than the Vogue magazine. It is well.

I have had enough lone encounters with the medical establishment receiving interesting news; I do not consider any of them bad even if for some, such news has not only been life-threatening but also led to their deaths. I am blessed and fortunate to still be here to have new experiences, new testimonies, and the continued joy of living. This will pass.

Helping with research

After I got home, a researcher from the hospital called, they had missed me when I attended my consultation to ask if I would participate in some cancer research which could go on for more than two years. I had no issue with that, I informed the researcher, that the course of treatment I chose was informed by others participating in earlier cancer research, showing outcomes and other resulting benefits. I would not have that compendium of knowledge to access if they all had refused to engage.

When it comes to cancer today, we all benefit from the body of knowledge acquired over centuries of progress and advancement, those who died and those who survived, are contributors to the human experience of cancer and the medical expertise that treats it, I am grateful for everything that has brought us this far and will eventually lead to better ways of treating or even totally avoiding cancer altogether.

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Manchester Pride 2024 - Between disinterest and stewarding

For a parade and a charade

The August Bank Holiday weekend in Manchester is for the Manchester Pride and one those of us who live on the borders of the Gay Village sometimes dread out of inconvenience and frustration. It is a time of endless cacophony that begins from Thursday night through to Monday evening with possibly a vigil in remembrance of those we lost to the AIDS plague.

For those who come the attend the events and many from out of town and even from abroad, it presents the prospect of wanton debauchery and the prescient profiteering of all the hospitality and services establishments that find the footfall irresistible to exploitation, even as punters and patrons submit themselves too willingly to the abuse of their respect and their wallets.

The Pride Parade on the Saturday afternoon is something to look forward to, though I could be inspired to residents’ rage just for the loudspeakers that get put close to my window or on the main street, not so much for the event, but for the testing of equipment that starts early in the morning when we are trying to lie-in and continues almost every quarter of an hour as if suddenly the equipment had given up. Let’s not think of if I were an American with a gun.

Diversity, not as we think it

This time they plonked down a mobile 120-seat grandstand on our street which I found out to be the judges view to rate the floats that passed by towards the end of the parade. I had a guest who had just moved to Manchester and a friend had asked me to chaperone him. Not much to be done, I would have stepped out of my apartment block with a folding chair and some bottles of water. I provided rainproof clothes and umbrellas too, when it rained.

However, I do wonder if the judges as my guest did see the diversity we observed was not as diverse as our community would suggest apart from accounting for the diversity in faces of the same identity group, like say, race? Not to talk of the fact that one float dressed up a black man in full uniform to drive their Bentley. Then the Gay Gordons in full Scottish attire had one of their contingent playing the bagpipes who was noticeably of African descent.

In the probably 250 that participated in the parade, there could not have been 10 that were representative of ethnic minorities, and this is where Manchester still fails to embrace the broader expanse of identity within this diverse community.

It was not helped by one such group removing themselves from the parade because of concerns about sponsorship in relation to the Israel – Gaza conflict. They were invisible when they should have erred on the pragmatic side of things, because there were Palestinian groups represented on the parade.

Just let me through

I was surprised that I stayed to watch the whole parade that lasted over 3 hours, and it was time to retire and that was for a good long nap. The only other times I ventured through the Gay Village that was gated off for the festivities was for church on Sunday and then the Pride Eucharist in the evening.

At least now, apart from security checks of bags, right-of-way is no longer questioned as it was even refused to people who just wanted to pass through about a decade ago.

Besides, I had on principle decided for years now, that I will not pay the extortionate prices for attending any of the Pride events even as those who find themselves shortchanged denied access to venues quickly at capacity to watch their favourite bands.

My plate did overflow

As a church steward at the Manchester Cathedral, I had offered to be on the rota for duties at the Pride Eucharist which was organised by the leadership of the Village Church that meets on the 2^nd and 4^th Sundays of the month at the LGBT Foundation offices on Sackville Street. [Manchester Cathedral: Pride Eucharist pamphlet (PDF)]

Cover of the Pride Eucharist pamphlet.

The typical activities would have been handing service pamphlets to people who had come to fellowship, doing the collection during the offertory hymn, and ushering the congregation towards the altar for Communion.

Then one of the wardens asked me to take the plate of offerings to the altar for blessing and I had hardly said yes to that when the convenor of Village Church came to ask if I would participate in the intercessory prayer part of the service. She already had my name on the prayer sheet before coming to chat to me. I obliged willingly at the honour.

My part included a 30-second pause for silent prayer, my clock ticked a bit faster than it should in my head, I counted to 10 twice, losing my ways somewhere in the simplicity of the aura of scrutiny as I continued to the end of my contribution.

It’s a wrap until next year

After the service, we remained for tea, coffee, biscuits, and cake, before a young man on army leave who had asked to speak with me earlier requested if he could play the grand piano.

He had such talent but was expecting of rebuke or derision when we so readily praised him. Sadly, some people are subjected to so much criticism that even what they are so good at, they are too unsure of demonstrating.

I guess all that became the highlight of my own Manchester Pride, disinterested, uninvolved, and almost curmudgeonly, except where it mattered more in cheering the parades and serving at the Pride Eucharist, until next year when again, we suffer, or we leave town.

Thought Picnic: In showing is the shown showed

Preparing enough for things

Preparation can easily become the excuse we use for not getting some things done. Decisions on what needs to be done and how to get it done whilst trying to ensure once the process has started, it is not impeded by some unintended issue or circumstances.

How this can so quickly exacerbate procrastination is another thing we rarely acknowledge. A task suddenly seems onerous and the path to accomplishment literally insurmountable. The journey of a thousand miles never gets started because we see the thousand miles ahead rather than begin with the first step and see how each step brings us closer to our destination.

Indeed, we must prepare for the obvious even as the clichéd saying sounds in my ear as I write, “Those who fail to prepare, prepare to fail.” Some knowledge and insight is useful, experience gained from different sources can help too.

Accomplishment must be the goal

The direction of travel should be towards some achievement or accomplishment, bringing things to conclusion or completion would show that whatever effort has been applied to something has something tangible at the end.

Our thoughts are vehicles of many ideas that may never see reality, yet it is our ability to imagine that gives the foundations to the things we build or produce.

The power of the imagination to create worlds of fantasy that become fantastic worlds lived in, is one feature of humanity we fail to exploit and even when we know how the divine can bring to pass the apparently impossible, we limit ourselves to the perfunctory, lost in dreamland with wishes rather than faith.

Showing shows completed activity

The other day, I saw someone with such big ears. I was afraid my thoughts about the ears might be heard by them. I tried not to consider that possibility even if it could be scripted into a science fiction fantasy film with interesting or thrilling storylines.

Then, the many stories or things we have written that never left the draft stage, they are in an incomplete state, they represent activity without accomplishment. We can be satisfied something was done but there is nothing to show others that we have done anything. It is like an assignment done but not submitted for scoring. You cannot get grades for work not given up for vetting.

Likewise, a blog not published is well, not a blog, because no one knows what you have done until it is shown for others to see. So many lights hidden under a bushel, talents buried instead of flourishing makes the reticence to show what you have the gift of not entirely one of shyness that we assume we have but it could also be seen as in the parable of the talents in terms of the unprofitable servant too. {Bible Gateway: Matthew 25:14-30 (NKJV)]

Clippings of the thought and drippings of the thoughtless

The matchup of views

There are two versions of my blog, one which I wrote expressing some feelings that I would not be able to describe after some attempts at doing so, and then I decided to pass the text through an LLM grammar checker with a preference for English and when unqualified, I mean what we speak in Great Britain as opposed to that spoken across the pond.

The tone I went for was emotional rather than casual, formal, laconic, or something else I cannot remember. At Brian’s inadvertent prompting, I won’t even tell which version was the original and the edited and none of the customary delineation of paragraphs and sections, the title of the blog however is original. We can’t give everything to AI when we can allow some human intervention.

To make it even more atrocious but not as bad I had some machinations that crossed my mind as I typed this, I won’t set out where one begins and the other ends, the evil thought was to intersperse the paragraphs. As Brian is wont to say. “I’m not that bad.” My response? That’s between us.

With many thoughts coursing through my mind, I found myself reflecting on a difficult telephone conversation that had left me feeling unsettled. Though I endeavoured to remain calm as I respectfully explained my perspective on the importance of patient-centred care, I sensed tensions rising.

In my attempt to process the interaction, I began writing but soon realized my thoughts lacked focus. While I had intended to respectfully express concerns around communication and coordination of my treatment, my emotions had made it difficult to do so constructively.

Over subsequent days, further challenges with the navigation of my care only added to my feelings of frustration. Multiple attempts at documenting my experience proved futile as overwhelm took hold.

However, with time and distance, clarity emerged. In reframing my goal as open dialogue rather than accusation, I was able to convey my perspective and needs in a balanced manner. Though the road to resolution remains long, small steps toward understanding are progress indeed.

With many thoughts coursing through my mind, I had begun to type away, the discombobulated scratches of the upset that resulted from a telephone conversation that soon lost cordiality for tempers rising.

Surprisingly, I held it together as I lectured my interlocutor on the primacy of the patient in the decision tree of treatment options. I was pulling no punches because taken together, one had become a bystander where full disclosure and engagement should have been the rule.

Six good paragraphs in, I was exhausted, that I put it away thinking I might find the wherewithal to complete it, but it was flailing without direction, and I doubted my ability to rescue it.

Half a day later, another phone call was ping-pong between oncology and urology, with little consideration given to the fact that regardless of department responsibility, I was at the receiving end of their inability to coordinate and the poor management of my case.

I started another write-up and before I could complete the first sentence, I had lost interest and inspiration, it was compounded exasperation seeking the travails of frustration that I have tried hard to avoid with sanguinity.

A day, another, and another before I settled at the keyboard for a third attempt taking a totally different slant from the first two attempts.

It turned out a lot better and much shorter than I expected. I guess some events can snatch away the will to see some things to the desired conclusion.

Men's things - XVI

Blogging The State of Akin

I write how I feel, and I cannot account for who reads and finds any interest in my blogs, though there are people who have over time realised that this blog infrequent and hardly prolific as it is represents The State of Akin (TSoA) at any given time.

Sometimes lucid and at other times in turmoil, I am told I write better than I converse, yet I cannot drive traffic to this blog for that purpose, it is left to those who discover this to engage as they see fit.

My last blog gave a sense of direction in terms of certain questions I had about the treatment of prostate cancer. I guess I was a bit miffed that out of Active Surveillance, a Radical Prostatectomy, and Radical Radiotherapy, the first had been taken off the table before any discussion with the patient primarily affected.

I should be centred and relevant

Again, I respect the knowledge and the expertise of the medical teams superintending the courses of recommended treatment, however, even if a course of treatment is not desirable, I should be informed of the reasons that led to that determination. With respect to this situation, I asked for a further consultation, and I received two phone calls that seemed to need clarification on my premises.

I had acquired enough understanding to appreciate from the post-treatment situation that on the issues of future prognosis, the exacerbation of the condition, and the problems that might present in bladder and bowel control along with attendant sexual function, radiotherapy offered the best and most manageable outcomes.

Links to engender confidence

A comment in my last blog gave me additional information through two links, Predict Prostate and Cancer Alliance: Prostate Cancer: Know Your Options, both of which allow you to enter the indices of known or unknown test results to then connect your situation to the predictive outcomes of the Prostate Testing for Cancer and Treatment (ProtecT) study as indicated in the graphic I shared in my last blog post.

The links also offered more detailed information and YouTube videos. At the end of which I was more convinced of the course of treatment I had chosen.

Poring through the medical notes shared between the medical personnel, I finally learnt that I was actively considered for the low-dose radiotherapy, or in medical terms, it is Hypofractionated radiotherapy of 60 Grays (Gy) over 20 sessions, given on weekdays only. The Gray is a unit of ionising radiation. [ICR: A new standard of care for prostate cancer]

The outlook, the prospect

Prior to this treatment, I will attend a radiotherapy planning scan that uses a Computer Tomography scanner to locate the position of the prostate gland to which the radioactive beam will be directed. This treatment option makes Intensity modulated radiotherapy (IMRT) more efficient as it is more tolerable for certain older age groups.

I am also recommended to go directly for radiotherapy without neo adjuvant therapy which is hormone therapy to reduce testosterone, which might well be a blessing of sorts. I think I have had the answers to the many questions I have had, and I am basically looking forward to putting all this behind me within the next few months.

I feel fine, I am positive, and I believe in the best for me, my health, and the enjoyment of life and its pleasures. I also look forward to spending some recuperation time with Brian.

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Men's things - XV

When the not-so-obvious is ignored

When I was about 7 or 8 years old, my parents took me to the lawn tennis club to take lessons and learn how to play tennis. My mother was naturally trim and still in the child-bearing age range and even though my father had golf clubs, he was more inclined to play tennis and never on the golf course less than half a mile from where we lived in Rayfield, Jos.

I was not that good at tennis for a reason no one discovered until I was in my 30s. I could not hit the tennis balls because I could not track the distance and the speed of the ball. I had a lazy right eye, an astigmatism where the eye at rest wandered off the right depriving me of stereo vision.

That is why I ended up not properly learning to drive for my ability to judge distance and speed was impaired. I could compensate for it as a pedestrian, but not with impatient drivers behind me if I drove a car.

However, the sad part of knowing this truth was that something could have been done to correct the problem in my childhood; like wearing a patch over the good eye and forcing the lazy eye to align and focus. By the time I found out, my brain had already made up for the handicap, it would have been nigh on impossible to retrain my brain for the new vision of having astigmatism dealt with.

There is a correction for astigmatism in my lenses, but it does not perfect the entrenched issues with the condition. It is something you live with, and it is benign that it is not a concern to be bothered about.

Even knowledgeable doctors are not God

50 years on, I find myself ensuring that my concerns are addressed, all perspectives considered, and every option explained to satisfactory detail in my engagement with the medical profession to ensure that my expected outcomes are at the forefront of any conversation.

I respect the standard of expertise and wealth of knowledge that defines this group of professionals but for all they know, they are not gods, their word is not law in and of itself while every diagnostic and therapeutic path cannot be valid without my engagement and understanding.

The prime admonition that grounds everyone involved is encapsulated in this saying, “It is my body first before it is your Guinea pig.” By all means, I should never feel under pressure, duress, or deception in making choices. Whatever course I take with regard to the options before me is ultimately my decision, having been adequately informed by the experts.

I have learnt that I cannot be shy about asking questions and fundamentally there are no stupid questions, you find the form of words to pose your concern, and you have every latitude to ask follow-up questions until you have been satisfactorily answered.

I understand that doctors or consultants might feel challenged, they should welcome the challenge and be up to the task of confidently and convincingly defending their thinking, assertions, and procedures. It makes them better at understanding and addressing patient needs. Anything short of that, demands review.

Better safe now than sorry later

As medical procedures engender risk and can usually be irreversible, they do not run as projects that you can redefine if certain requirements are not met, you want to be sure that all issues are adequately and fully addressed before you submit yourself to treatment.

On the prostate cancer track of treatment of which I have now made the decision to opt for radical radiotherapy and much of the process of my thinking is addressed in the earlier series of Men’s things blogs, I have one question based on cancer risk groups which I have not found in any of the medical notes.

After I called the Macmillan Urology Specialist Nurse assigned to me at the Christie Hospital to tell her that I would elect for radical radiotherapy treatment, I decided I should seek support from Prostate Cancer UK to see if I could speak to a volunteer who had undergone radiotherapy without the prerequisite of hormone treatment.

You need to be quite knowledgeable about your condition with the articulation of your understanding of what you have been told about your diagnosis.

A progression of tests and results

My route to treatment was a progressive set of checks and tests going back to February and the highlights I would present again below:

PSA: Prostate Specific Antigen; this is a blood test that if the reading is high might suggest the presence of prostate cancer, but other factors might lead to a high PSA reading and that informs the next stage of investigation.

DRE: Digital Rectal Examination; when your PSA reads above certain nanograms per millilitre (ng/ml) in your age group, your doctor will use their judgement and discretion to digitally feel your prostate through your rectum to determine if it is enlarged or unsmooth among any other unusual or abnormal indicators. An enlarged prostate would suggest a referral for more analysis.

mpMRI: multiparametric Magnetic Resonance Imaging scan for prostate cancer. This is an MRI scan taken of your prostate with contrast. This means a dye solution is fed into your veins to accentuate the blood vessels and the prostate gland to determine the condition, size, and possible presence of cancer lesions. The most important score from the mpMRI scan is the Likert or PI-RADS (Prostate Imaging – Reporting and Data System) score with a range of 1 to 5.

A score of 3 or more would most likely lead to conducting a biopsy of your prostate gland. This would indicate the likelihood of cancer and the only way to determine this is to conduct a histopathology examination of cells extracted from your prostate.

The reading from the MRI scan would give an indication of the prostate cancer stage represented by a T score and better detailed in the TNM reference later in the blog.

UGTBP: Ultrasound-guided transperineal biopsy of the prostate is a procedure to extract biopsies of the prostate gland for examination. An ultrasound probe is inserted in the rectum and a biopsy needle which operates like a staple gun is inserted through the perineum under local anaesthetic. The injections can be painful and uncomfortable, but you should be awake to react.

While it is possible to have this under general anaesthesia, you lose the facility and ability to react, and some damage might ensue. After the biopsy, you are likely to have blood in your urine and semen for weeks. This procedure is the more favoured of biopsies as opposed to the transrectal one which could introduce complications and infection.

The result of the biopsy if positive will set in motion, an entry in the National Cancer Registry and a referral to a cancer specialist hospital.

The most important information from this histopathology examination is the Gleason score and Grade Group.

Making sense of it all

The investigations and tests above will inform the medical personnel conclusively if you have prostate cancer and begin the determination of the course of treatment to take.

The consultant who conducted the biopsy made two assertions in his medical notes without engaging me, this was besides the fact that the information was mismanaged by the NHS trust that I knew what was to be diagnosed a week before I met with the consultant.

His advice was in these words, “He will need active treatment,” and that meant out of three possible options for treatment, active surveillance, a radical prostatectomy, and radical radiotherapy of the prostate, the first was off the table before I was engaged.

Having opted for radiotherapy and found I did not qualify for brachytherapy because of my high I-PSS score, the external beam presented a more comfortable treatment plan over the uncertainties of surgery and the complications that might result.

A welcome intervention from another angle

That was until I sought support from Prostate Cancer UK and the nurse having been given some indicators from the diagnosis wondered why I was not being considered for active surveillance.

CPG: Cambridge Prognostic Group system; this allows the doctor to assess your cancer risk group and suggest the best treatment track for the cancer. The indices use values and logical operators of AND/OR to provide an assessment.

• the Grade Group or Gleason score [7 (3 + 4) Grade Group 2]
• prostate-specific antigen (PSA) level [4.0 ng/ml]
• tumour, node, metastasis (TNM) staging [Contained within the prostate – T2]

From the 5 CPG groups, the elements landed in CPG 2 and the Prostate Cancer UK nurse vehemently suggested I ask some questions as to why active surveillance and watchful waiting was not one of the treatment options on the table.

A radiotherapy planning CT (computer tomography) scan is scheduled; I have since called the Christie Macmillan Urology Specialist Nurse service to ask for an appointment to discuss this option in detail.

This is to address all the questions before we start anything and to give me both the understanding and conviction that I am following the course of treatment for the best outcomes.

In researching this blog, I came upon this piece of tabulated information I have from the onset, sought, to help me choose the best treatment in terms of the options, the long-term situation, and the consequences of whatever treatment option you choose.

Choosing the best treatment based on different studies. [Adapted from CRUK (Click to enlarge)]

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To consider what God wants for me is the best news

Consider your situation with contemplation

In the sermon I heard in church yesterday, the preacher asked what each of us would consider the best news ever to receive. Thoughts raced through my mind like someone who had met with a genie that could grant three wishes. How we can so rashly lose advantage in the face of a great bounty.

The child in me was ready to blurt out an ephemeral desire, but my better angels constrained me to think deeply about what it is that is indeed the news that would best be fulfilling of a desire, a wish, a hope, the news that would keep me beaming stronger than the midday sun in the tropics.

In the scheme of things, some would desire winning the lottery, so much money coming into your possession, it neither defines wealth nor health, many have had more money than can be counted and have had no peace, no health, no happiness, or no contentment to enjoy what they have. They are miserable and miserly, depressed and full of despair, the momentary thought of things taken care of can also be the suddenness of the better things taken away.

Something life-threatening suddenly solved

No, it was not the lottery I wanted as the best bit of news for me, useful as it might be, I saw a story I never wanted written about me. He won so much money and had no life with which to live and enjoy it. Cecil John Rhodes was said to be probably the only commoner apart from the royal family that could bring London to a standstill when he visited. On his deathbed, despite being one of the world’s most influential men of substance of his time said, “So little done, so much to do.” [Quotes: Cecil John Rhodes]

His health failed him at the age of 48, he had won the stupendous lottery of money, but it could not save his health.

Which brought me to another thought, I am facing prostate cancer, a condition that somewhat exists in a place I can neither see nor access. It presents no pain or discomfort, but the doctors in their conversations among themselves without telling me, until I read it in their notes had assessed it as malignant. Heck! It is cancer in a seemingly little place that can so easily kill you too.

You can imagine, I then thought having dismissed the good news of winning the lottery that I wanted to be totally healed. In one moment, every trace of cancer and infirmity obliterated in an instant and wholeness, nothing missing nothing lacking nothing broken – this being the full meaning of Shalom that we usually translate glibly as a greeting of peace. If only we knew in truth what peace and the peace of God really meant.

Surely, there is more to desire

Yet, I felt something was still missing from this thought, it was desire fed from my situation and circumstances, no less valid but still wanting. I could have my full health but then have no means or capacity to do the amazing and pleasurable things of life. I find myself thinking many times that there is more to life than this.

Jesus hung on the cross for more than just us getting by and still we barely enter the fundamentals of the goodness of why God gave His only begotten Son for the world, but we should dare to personalise it. If the King of Heaven thought I had this much value for Him to willingly sacrifice Himself, how is it that I am desperately failing to understand and appreciate it?

It might seem I was so long in thought, but I soon realised where I should set my hope, my desire, my need, and my fulfilment. It is in the Word of God, saying what God thinks, says, and desires about me. It came to me in these words, “Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.” I was thinking in King James English, and it had much to say to me. [Bible Hub: III John 2]

It has unparalleled completeness

It addressed everything I could ever desire for the best news, a full life of blessing in spirit, soul, and body. Another translation, the New Living Translation, says, “Dear friend, I hope all is well with you and that you are as healthy in body as you are strong in spirit.” How can you not want wellness in your soul, health in your body, and strength in your spirit? The prosperity of the soul includes the fullness of your years too. There are more reinforcing translations of the same text to confirm purpose and intent.

I will take that every day and be thankful for every moment of the goodness and mercy of God following me all the days of my life. The Psalmist concludes the 23^rd Psalm with, “And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” [Bible Hub: Psalm 23:6]

The import of that message is as grand as we so easily dismiss its meaning. Nothing can touch you in the house of the Lord even as you are well cared for and catered for by the very best that the universe has ever had to offer.

To think it alone is mind-blowing and yet there is every means to live it from this moment onwards.

Men's things - XIV

With the passage of time

It has been over two weeks since I was last at The Christie to discuss the radiotherapy option for treating prostate cancer. From my previous Men’s things blog, we had a disputation even as the information was coming in faster than I could fully process what I was being told.

Much as I have much information to read up on to appreciate the options on the table, the post-operative consequences of a prostatectomy did not offer me any comfort beyond the knowledge if I had the inclination that the prostate will be totally removed along with the possibility that the end result could be total irreversible impotence.

That probably does not bother me as much as the loss of bladder control which could last anything from 3 to 6 months or more. As I am quite an active person, this could lead to a rather diminished quality of life as I try to cope with the issues involved. Besides, as this procedure is conducted under general anaesthetic, you will not have the option to consult or interfere in any consequential surgical activity.

Just the thought that you might after waking up from anaesthesia be told the good news that the operation was successful and then the other news that you will no more be the man you once were could be a terrifying prospect that in my good mind I felt was not what I wanted to be visited with.

From the foregoing to decision time

I had a long conversation with my Holistic Needs Assessment nurse from the Macmillan Cancer Support charity discussing the issues and concerns I had. We both agreed that the surgical route is not the best treatment option towards long-term recovery.

While at my consultation I had disagreements about my not being considered for brachytherapy, I can now decide even if predicated on subjective data rather than medical analysis, I have enough information to understand the reasoning.

The Digital Rectal Examination had first determined that my prostate was enlarged and the multiparametric MRI with contrast not only showed the lesions on the right side, but also the noticeable inflammation on the left side.

No need for further tests

On the basis of this, the surgeon could not guarantee that he would be able to save the nerves that manage the erectile process because the inflammation might have made it too difficult or impossible to peel away the nerves to extricate the prostate gland. The risk was he had to be in there to decide, there was no other way to be sure.

Taking that forward to how my urination is affected on the I-PSS sheet, brachytherapy could further inflame the prostate leading to a medical emergency if my urethra is totally closed off. The other forms of external radiotherapy do not present as much of a risk of closing off the urethra and would be a lot more tolerable. The ensuing side effects of radiotherapy, unpleasant as it might be, can be adequately managed.

It goes without saying that radiotherapy would be my choice and I should have the opportunity to convey my decision to the hospital soon. I expected a call on Friday, it might be sometime next week.

Now to talk to other people

Another thing I need to do is have conversations with other men who have been through this experience. So far, I am acquainted with second-hand information about this. A friend of a friend on the radiotherapy track undergoing hormone therapy first, which I have been told, I would not need.

A man of the cloth who has since retired who took elective surgery, and the father of a colleague who had the lower dose radiotherapy treatment over 20 sessions and what I gleaned from that snippet, it was every weekday for 20 days with a duration of about 30 minutes.

Also, one other kind of experience I should find is someone who was verifiably diagnosed with prostate cancer and was healed by faith and prayer, medical science then certifying the total disappearance of cancer and a fully improved health status of the person healed.

The cancer does not belong here

I am coming to terms with the fact that this needs to be addressed and done with alacrity. I maintain a sense of assuredness, that the outcomes would be the best for my circumstances, my health, and my future. I do not have prostate cancer, rather, it has been medically determined a foreign situation exists in my body that must and will be removed.

I refuse to give it any comfort or respite to claim territory within me, like you eject a squatter on your property by any means possible, this one too must go.

Blog - Men's things

Blog - Men's things - II

Blog - Men's things - III

Blog - Men's things - IV

Blog - Men's things - V

Blog - Men's things - VI

Blog - Men's things - VII

Blog - Men's things - VIII

Blog - Men's things - IX

Blog - Men's things - X

Blog - Men's things - XI

Blog - Men's things - XII

Blog - Men's things - XIII

Thought Picnic: How cancer can change stories and perspectives

How times change the context

My autobiography has been a desire to complete for over a decade, yet my mastery of short-form writing in blogs has not particularly translated into the kind of story I have wanted to tell and have hoped others would like to read. I wonder if I need to go back to school for help with this.

Until a few months ago, beyond the bifurcation of timelines identifying life before and after cancer some 15 years ago, I felt I already had a compelling tale to share. Much of it has been articulated in blogs or in conversation, but in snippets of relevance or timeliness, depending on the setting.

Then, I guess I somewhat had the thought that I might encounter cancer again, but I do not think I prepared myself for what it might be. My greater concern was with living and living well. The things I sought to give me belief, confidence, and faith revolved around having the means and capacity to do things that were the substance of dreams becoming true.

How cancer redefines priorities

However, as time moved from March into April and May where tests and scrutiny had taken an unexpected direction in the prospect that my prostate gland might be misbehaving, the context of my thinking began to shift to healing and living.

The storytelling would obviously evolve in view of these new developments. Sometimes, it is an urgency to bring to a presentable state a work worthy of publishing and then the other is wondering what other stories one should wait to tell either because it is still raw or there are expectations for which one should account for.

I take each day as it comes, blessed and thankful for the gift of life and the engine of hope that propels me beyond the things that seem both insurmountable and impossible. The tendency to measure or compare against another brings foreboding or angst is one that should be consigned to what is written in the volume of the book about me. [BibleHub: Hebrews 10:7]

For it is indeed written, “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” [BibleHub: Romans 1:8]