Thought Picnic: On refusing to be defined by cancer

Like an impatient patient

I became a cancer patient long before I had the option to consent because every cancer diagnosis in the UK gets put on what is essentially a national cancer registry. I was informed only as a matter of courtesy that this had been done. I would think it was weeks before I had a conversation with the consultant, and I had known of this diagnosis because of the poor sequestration and handling of information within my local NHS trust.

Beyond this, you strain every sinew within you not to be defined as a cancer patient, yet that is somewhat taken out of your control, my spirit, strong and commanding, willing with strength over the deprecations my body exhibits in symptoms of both the cancer and the treatment of it.

Chief among these side effects is fatigue that results in tiredness, irregular sleeping patterns, nocturnal insomnia, and a weakened timbre of voice in speaking, the urinary tract is slightly irritated, and bowel movements seem rather restricted.

Willing against bodily handicaps

Having determined I would attend church today as I could not last Sunday for the simple reason that I hardly slept the Saturday night before, the same was happening today. Unlike a fortnight ago, I knew I wouldn’t be walking to church, it was best to do this by Uber.

As the alarm clock went off, I did not bother to put it in snooze mode, I stopped the alarm and pondered whether it was beneficial to grab the sleep I could or rise to the challenge my body was unwilling to meet, but my spirit ruled against.

I rose and went to the bathroom for the essential ablutions. I bedecked myself in the apparel I wore for my last radiotherapy appointment on Friday before hailing an Uber ride to church. I arrived as the processional hymn was sung and sat beside a steward friend.

I only stood up for the gospel and for Communion, the collects in my saying lagged the congregation and no attempt was made to sing any of the hymns, my voice just could not modulate toward tuneful expression, it would have taken all the strength out of me.

The community, our church is

My absence last week left many quite concerned and I received messages and calls asking about my welfare. I was also not aware that many other members of the church knew I was having cancer treatment, and some were praying for me. I sometimes forget how closely knit our church community is.

If I had not attended church today, I would have had people at my door checking up on me, in a sense it is lovely to be noticed and missed. Next week is the Judges’ Service signifying the opening of the legal year. In other circumstances, I would have attended to steward the proceedings as it is a civil service, I think I’ll have a lie-in and recoup my strength.

Another Uber ride back home even in infirmity, let the weak say I am strong.